Welcome

Hi. Welcome to 'Great Balls Of Satire'... not to suggest that my balls are in any way satirical or great; I'd say mediocre at best.

Here you can wile away whole minutes of your life reading this crap, and in return for the time you'll never get back, I'll write some more... HURRAH!

I'd like to start off with something that drives me mad (like you should care in the slightest? I mean who is this freak?). It's when babies cry and everybody goes "Awww". Fucking Awww? It must be the most irritating sound in the world, and people find it cute!? Christ, if people were sane they'd sew it's fucking lips together! Honestly.

Another thing is Christmas shopping; it's coming up to Christmas now, which means even going down to the shop for a loaf of bread is like trying to hammer in a jelly nail with a weasel. As five thousand "old dears" somehow realize what their legs are for, they whizz in front of you so they can stand there and debate with Stan whether they want PG Tips or bloody Tetley's! Part of you wants to scream at them to move, while the more reserved part causes you to mutter constantly in irritation.

Finally you get your bread and head to the counter, where the Himalayas re-enacted in spots greets you with a grunt and wants to know if you want help with your packing. Well, if you wanted your shopping mauled and damaged by some greasy haired minimum wage worker, you'd be desperate enough to have asked yourself.

Eventually you manage to pay and get away with your shopping. At this point you'd think yourself free, but no, there's the old dear again, with her oversized shopping trolley and oversized husband, for some inexplicable reason checking through her every bag. YOU'VE JUST FUCKING PUT IT IN THERE! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU BOUGHT!! What's does she think she'll discover? That somebody's slipped several ferrets in there while she wasn't looking? And why must she check it in the middle of the aisle? Get out of the damn way!!

After viciously murdering the elderly couple you're eventually on the road again, where you are greeted by the wonderful ignorance of the general public, who all somehow managed to get a driving license, which seems a miracle to you, because you KNOW you had to work damn hard to get yours!

Ah, home sweet home, finally you can sit down and listen to the government adverts on the TV tell you everything you've done wrong in your life.

Well, I don't know about you, but I feel a WHOLE lot better now.

Thanks for listening, Matt.



***UPDATE***

My boyfriend tells me my balls are in fact great... Thanks Andy ;)