Do celebrities work hard (ha ha) to get famous and then think that they'd be able to live their life like any ordinary person? So many of them complain about receiving too much attention; well, it kinda comes with the job dear, let's call it one of the downfalls of being fucking fabulously wealthy!
And then, as if seeing them on the telly, in the newspapers, and damn near everywhere else isn't enough, they go and write books about their life! Surely they haven't had so much happen to them that they feel they can safely write a fourth biography by the time they're seventeen.
I love biscuits. In all shapes and sizes. In all flavors and varieties. If people were biscuits I'd like them a lot more. But people aren't biscuits. People are bastards, and so in general I hate them. Shooting the general public seems like such a waste, so I have begun on the blueprints for my master plan to turn the population into JAMMY DODGERS!!!
There's nothing like a good bad zombie film. There's one on the TV right now, and it is terrible. The zombies move at a snails pace, yet nobody can get away. As far as I can tell there's a whole cast of about say... fifteen zombies. With three guns in the house and lots of ammo, it seems like a waste of time, energy, and nails, boarding it all up, when you could simply shoot the slow bastards through the head.
Inevitably one of the people in the house is going to be some kind of cowardly deserter who will endanger everybody, so just to be safe you should kill everybody apart from yourself before starting on the zombies.
The guy on the TV will say to stay in the house etc, but the safest place you could possibly get to is the TV station, seeing as everybody there seems to be absolutely fine and non anarchical. The black man will be a strong character who will eventually end up having a fight with the most unstable of the people. Unless the most unstable is not irritating enough to the viewer.
Watching these movies is like watching a pantomime. You constantly want to scream at the TV "HE'S BEHIND YOU!!". But you don't, because that would be silly.
Have you ever noticed how you get GREAT deals on alcohol at Christmas? This should be a good thing, but unfortunately it just encourages you to drink more and forget to buy presents for people. That is usually not a good thing, unless those people are down on the list for being biscuitified.
Have a very drunken Christmas and don't forget to buy presents!!!
Cheers (the place to go where everybody knows your name, national insurance number, and bank details),
Matt.
Tuesday, 18 December 2007
Thursday, 13 December 2007
I Framed Jesus!
The Christians have been doing their rounds again, they tell me "Jesus died for your sins". How rude! I let them into my house, I make them a cup of tea, I even give them a chocolate hobnob, and then they accuse me of framing a man almost 2000 years ago! The audacity of it! I mean, everybody knows it was Mrs Butterworth at number 22.
I dislike religion in general really, but it's never so much of an annoyance as when people try to push it upon you. It doesn't really set a good image for their religion if they have to knock on doors practically begging people to join. "Judaism! Now 99% fat free!". Yeah, so's terrorism, now FUCK OFF!
I have to say I'm sick to the hind shitting teeth of Political Correctness. More specifically I'm sick of people whining on about it. People whine that they can't have some fucking tinsel at work. Do these people really think that if they just went ahead and did it anyway they'd get thrown in jail? In the end political correctness is a load of bullshit, and you could pretty much ignore it and get away with it. If I want to refer to tax officials as a collective "he" then I damn well will, and I don't think I'll have some unreasonable fear of being lynched by a pack of hairy legged feminists.
There are always going to be people telling us we can't do things, but the issues are of such little importance that nobody is going to back them up. Frankly the police have better things to do than round up gangs of politically incorrect evildoers.
If somebody told you that you can't dunk your rich tea more than once, when you had a habit of dunking it at least twice, you'd think their suggestion so ridiculous that you would completely ignore it, so do the same here and stop going on about it.
Have a great Christmas, or if you don't celebrate Christmas, just enjoy sitting at home with the curtains drawn and all the lights off.
Cheers,
Matt
I dislike religion in general really, but it's never so much of an annoyance as when people try to push it upon you. It doesn't really set a good image for their religion if they have to knock on doors practically begging people to join. "Judaism! Now 99% fat free!". Yeah, so's terrorism, now FUCK OFF!
I have to say I'm sick to the hind shitting teeth of Political Correctness. More specifically I'm sick of people whining on about it. People whine that they can't have some fucking tinsel at work. Do these people really think that if they just went ahead and did it anyway they'd get thrown in jail? In the end political correctness is a load of bullshit, and you could pretty much ignore it and get away with it. If I want to refer to tax officials as a collective "he" then I damn well will, and I don't think I'll have some unreasonable fear of being lynched by a pack of hairy legged feminists.
There are always going to be people telling us we can't do things, but the issues are of such little importance that nobody is going to back them up. Frankly the police have better things to do than round up gangs of politically incorrect evildoers.
If somebody told you that you can't dunk your rich tea more than once, when you had a habit of dunking it at least twice, you'd think their suggestion so ridiculous that you would completely ignore it, so do the same here and stop going on about it.
Have a great Christmas, or if you don't celebrate Christmas, just enjoy sitting at home with the curtains drawn and all the lights off.
Cheers,
Matt
Tuesday, 11 December 2007
Hair Raising
I must have witnessed the first case of a tree grassing somebody up today when I was at the hairdressers with my fiancé.
Beside his chair was a fiber optic tree, spinning around and being generally annoying. So, for some reason unbeknown to me, he decides to grab one of the branches to stop it spinning. At this point it starts singing Jingle Bells very loudly, and he was caught red handed holding on to this damn branch!
I have to wonder what the manufacturer was thinking when he or she designed a tree that sings jingle bells when you pull its branches. It might just be me, but that seems completely and utterly useless...
I'm happy to note that there seems to have been a drop in the number of 'Baby Annabelle' adverts this year; in fact I don't think I've seen one at all, which fills me with a warm fuzzy happiness... either that or I've pissed myself.
I hate those adverts that appeal solely to children knowing that any child will then maliciously take the cat hostage until it gets what it wants. Children are spoiled far too much, and should be kept in soundproof glass cases where they can be observed and occasionally electrocuted.
A friend of mine sent me an SMS today, saying he wasn't sending out Christmas cards this year, instead he's donating the money to charity. Wow... That charity is going to be SO pleased you didn't spent all of two fucking pounds sending a few bloody cards! All hail John, the ender of world fucking hunger.
I mean if he was so desperate to donate money to charity up to the cost of his Christmas cards, he could have just counted up how much he spent on them, and given that to charity, it would have hardly broken the bank!
And to have the cheek to SMS me! Well by my calculations he must have sent that same text to about 35 other people, and at 12p a text on his price plan he spent £4.20. More than enough to buy 35 cheap cards when you can get 20 for £1!
The idiocy of people surprises even a cynical bastard like me sometimes.
Cheers,
Matt
Beside his chair was a fiber optic tree, spinning around and being generally annoying. So, for some reason unbeknown to me, he decides to grab one of the branches to stop it spinning. At this point it starts singing Jingle Bells very loudly, and he was caught red handed holding on to this damn branch!
I have to wonder what the manufacturer was thinking when he or she designed a tree that sings jingle bells when you pull its branches. It might just be me, but that seems completely and utterly useless...
I'm happy to note that there seems to have been a drop in the number of 'Baby Annabelle' adverts this year; in fact I don't think I've seen one at all, which fills me with a warm fuzzy happiness... either that or I've pissed myself.
I hate those adverts that appeal solely to children knowing that any child will then maliciously take the cat hostage until it gets what it wants. Children are spoiled far too much, and should be kept in soundproof glass cases where they can be observed and occasionally electrocuted.
A friend of mine sent me an SMS today, saying he wasn't sending out Christmas cards this year, instead he's donating the money to charity. Wow... That charity is going to be SO pleased you didn't spent all of two fucking pounds sending a few bloody cards! All hail John, the ender of world fucking hunger.
I mean if he was so desperate to donate money to charity up to the cost of his Christmas cards, he could have just counted up how much he spent on them, and given that to charity, it would have hardly broken the bank!
And to have the cheek to SMS me! Well by my calculations he must have sent that same text to about 35 other people, and at 12p a text on his price plan he spent £4.20. More than enough to buy 35 cheap cards when you can get 20 for £1!
The idiocy of people surprises even a cynical bastard like me sometimes.
Cheers,
Matt
Monday, 10 December 2007
Celeb Charity Adverts
It seems every time I put the TV on I'm confronted with celebrities telling me to give money to some poor country. There's Phil Collins; "Just £500 will pay to feed this small village" ...Then fucking give it to them! For Christs sake.
I'm sure they feel they're doing the world a great favor doing these "charitable" things, but in all honesty they're not doing it for free, 99% of the time they're getting paid for it!
And then you get these damn adverts about child abuse (but don't get me wrong, I'm all for it), but instead of having it after a crappy perfume advert or something, they put them on after a funny advert, so you're sat there giggling to yourself, and suddenly a baby that hasn't eaten in three weeks pops up! And you're laughing! Way to make me feel guilty! Damn.
But I have to wonder where the money goes for these charities, I mean two years ago I saw the advert and it said "32,000 children are known to be at risk right now". Then just today I see the advert and it says exactly the same; they haven't done much then have they!?
But in all seriousness charity is a wonderful thing, it helps to make many rich bastards even richer, and that must be good...
Thanks for reading!
Matt
I'm sure they feel they're doing the world a great favor doing these "charitable" things, but in all honesty they're not doing it for free, 99% of the time they're getting paid for it!
And then you get these damn adverts about child abuse (but don't get me wrong, I'm all for it), but instead of having it after a crappy perfume advert or something, they put them on after a funny advert, so you're sat there giggling to yourself, and suddenly a baby that hasn't eaten in three weeks pops up! And you're laughing! Way to make me feel guilty! Damn.
But I have to wonder where the money goes for these charities, I mean two years ago I saw the advert and it said "32,000 children are known to be at risk right now". Then just today I see the advert and it says exactly the same; they haven't done much then have they!?
But in all seriousness charity is a wonderful thing, it helps to make many rich bastards even richer, and that must be good...
Thanks for reading!
Matt
Sunday, 9 December 2007
TV Signers
I was just watching a bit of late night telly, and I noticed how they only ever have those little people in the corner doing sign language at night... Why is that? Do deaf people only ever come out at night? Is there some kind of vampiric disability group, who meet every night at 1am to watch Teachers TV or reruns of Magnum PI?
And where do they find these people anyway? Sitting there in the corner of your TV while you're trying to enjoy a program, looking like a mime artist on ecstasy, acting all embarrassed every time somebody says "willy" or "darn".
I find myself sitting there, not knowing what's going on at all, because all I can do is stare at this crazed inter-show aerobics instructor.
Eventually your average TV will have a little button like the subtitle one to turn him/her off, and the world will be a better place for it.
Here's waiting for the future,
Matt.
And where do they find these people anyway? Sitting there in the corner of your TV while you're trying to enjoy a program, looking like a mime artist on ecstasy, acting all embarrassed every time somebody says "willy" or "darn".
I find myself sitting there, not knowing what's going on at all, because all I can do is stare at this crazed inter-show aerobics instructor.
Eventually your average TV will have a little button like the subtitle one to turn him/her off, and the world will be a better place for it.
Here's waiting for the future,
Matt.
Saturday, 8 December 2007
Welcome
Hi. Welcome to 'Great Balls Of Satire'... not to suggest that my balls are in any way satirical or great; I'd say mediocre at best.
Here you can wile away whole minutes of your life reading this crap, and in return for the time you'll never get back, I'll write some more... HURRAH!
I'd like to start off with something that drives me mad (like you should care in the slightest? I mean who is this freak?). It's when babies cry and everybody goes "Awww". Fucking Awww? It must be the most irritating sound in the world, and people find it cute!? Christ, if people were sane they'd sew it's fucking lips together! Honestly.
Another thing is Christmas shopping; it's coming up to Christmas now, which means even going down to the shop for a loaf of bread is like trying to hammer in a jelly nail with a weasel. As five thousand "old dears" somehow realize what their legs are for, they whizz in front of you so they can stand there and debate with Stan whether they want PG Tips or bloody Tetley's! Part of you wants to scream at them to move, while the more reserved part causes you to mutter constantly in irritation.
Finally you get your bread and head to the counter, where the Himalayas re-enacted in spots greets you with a grunt and wants to know if you want help with your packing. Well, if you wanted your shopping mauled and damaged by some greasy haired minimum wage worker, you'd be desperate enough to have asked yourself.
Eventually you manage to pay and get away with your shopping. At this point you'd think yourself free, but no, there's the old dear again, with her oversized shopping trolley and oversized husband, for some inexplicable reason checking through her every bag. YOU'VE JUST FUCKING PUT IT IN THERE! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU BOUGHT!! What's does she think she'll discover? That somebody's slipped several ferrets in there while she wasn't looking? And why must she check it in the middle of the aisle? Get out of the damn way!!
After viciously murdering the elderly couple you're eventually on the road again, where you are greeted by the wonderful ignorance of the general public, who all somehow managed to get a driving license, which seems a miracle to you, because you KNOW you had to work damn hard to get yours!
Ah, home sweet home, finally you can sit down and listen to the government adverts on the TV tell you everything you've done wrong in your life.
Well, I don't know about you, but I feel a WHOLE lot better now.
Thanks for listening, Matt.
***UPDATE***
My boyfriend tells me my balls are in fact great... Thanks Andy ;)
Here you can wile away whole minutes of your life reading this crap, and in return for the time you'll never get back, I'll write some more... HURRAH!
I'd like to start off with something that drives me mad (like you should care in the slightest? I mean who is this freak?). It's when babies cry and everybody goes "Awww". Fucking Awww? It must be the most irritating sound in the world, and people find it cute!? Christ, if people were sane they'd sew it's fucking lips together! Honestly.
Another thing is Christmas shopping; it's coming up to Christmas now, which means even going down to the shop for a loaf of bread is like trying to hammer in a jelly nail with a weasel. As five thousand "old dears" somehow realize what their legs are for, they whizz in front of you so they can stand there and debate with Stan whether they want PG Tips or bloody Tetley's! Part of you wants to scream at them to move, while the more reserved part causes you to mutter constantly in irritation.
Finally you get your bread and head to the counter, where the Himalayas re-enacted in spots greets you with a grunt and wants to know if you want help with your packing. Well, if you wanted your shopping mauled and damaged by some greasy haired minimum wage worker, you'd be desperate enough to have asked yourself.
Eventually you manage to pay and get away with your shopping. At this point you'd think yourself free, but no, there's the old dear again, with her oversized shopping trolley and oversized husband, for some inexplicable reason checking through her every bag. YOU'VE JUST FUCKING PUT IT IN THERE! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU BOUGHT!! What's does she think she'll discover? That somebody's slipped several ferrets in there while she wasn't looking? And why must she check it in the middle of the aisle? Get out of the damn way!!
After viciously murdering the elderly couple you're eventually on the road again, where you are greeted by the wonderful ignorance of the general public, who all somehow managed to get a driving license, which seems a miracle to you, because you KNOW you had to work damn hard to get yours!
Ah, home sweet home, finally you can sit down and listen to the government adverts on the TV tell you everything you've done wrong in your life.
Well, I don't know about you, but I feel a WHOLE lot better now.
Thanks for listening, Matt.
***UPDATE***
My boyfriend tells me my balls are in fact great... Thanks Andy ;)
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